They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
