Need sex. Gaining weight.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
