he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
