I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
