I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dicks are not precious.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
