your parents love me but you hate me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
