I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
