I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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