At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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