He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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