I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
