between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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