my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
