I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
