Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
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living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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