i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
