My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
