he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
