They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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