Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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