I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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