so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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