dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
