based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
