life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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