Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
