ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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