i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
