According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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