Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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