I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
