You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
