Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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