just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
