ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
