u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
