Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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