If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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