that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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