what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
