I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
