I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
