I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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