maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
