Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
