I'm jealous of your bromance
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
