When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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