Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
