Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
