im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
