Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
