Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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