She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
