All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
