you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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