i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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