hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
