I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
that's an acceptable place to lick
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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