She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
