my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
