I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
