the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
