she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
