Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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