Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
