True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
